3 Questions to Ask if You Have Sex Drive Problems in Your Relationship

If a disparity in libidos is causing strife in your relationship, you may need to take a closer look at each partner's role. This process is best done with professional help, preferably through counseling with a certified sex therapist. But there's some work the couple can do first. Joy Davidson, PhD, a New York City–based psychologist who's on the board of directors of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists, recommends discussing the following questions.

1. What turns on the partner who has a low libido?
Are there certain times when this partner is more motivated to be sexual? What's different about those times? Analyze that and try to replicate those conditions.

2. Are you playful?
"Look at what you're actually doing," Davidson says. "Is your sex life dull and routine? Do you have fantasies that you can share with your partner? Do you read books about sexual alternatives or surf the Web looking at sex toy sites?" A person with a low libido may be uncomfortable with such ideas. "If you freak out at these questions, it is understandable that you seem to have low libido," says Davidson. Perhaps you have been raised to view sex as something dirty or shameful and need to work through those feelings with a professional. "If you have a sex-negative attitude," she says, "your libido will be repressed too."

3. What's going on outside the bedroom?
You or your therapist may look at what Michael Krychman, MD, executive director of the Southern California Center for Sexual Health and Survivorship Medicine in Newport Beach, Calif., calls "environmental sexuality"—basically, what's going on outside the bedroom. For instance, he says, "I've had couples in the same house, texting each other from different rooms," wondering why their sex life has taken a dive.

Lead writer: Louise Sloan
Last Updated: April 15, 2008

3 Reasons You and Your Lover May Have Different Sex Drives

If your relationship is in turmoil because one partner has lost his or her interest in sex, the explanation might be psychological or medical or something else entirely, such as a secret attraction or affair. But there other, simpler explanations as well, rooted in lack of good communication.

Here are three very common reasons behind "sexual disconnect."

1. Gender
If you're a heterosexual couple, the problem could just be that what arouses men is often very different from what arouses women. A man may respond more quickly, whereas a woman's arousal may be more like "warm water that slowly is brought to a boil," says Joy Davidson, PhD, a New York City–based psychologist who's on the board of directors of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists. "You might conclude that his libido is higher than hers," Davidson says. "It's not the case. They are processing stimulation differently and responding to different cues."

2. Priorities
There also may be a difference in priorities, says Davidson: "If one person thinks having a passionate sexual relationship is critical, absolutely central to the marriage, and the other sees it as the icing on the cake, that is not a libido difference, it's a difference in values."

3. Experience
Someone with little prior sexual experience may simply not know yet what will turn him or her on. Your relationship is just the place to experiment with this mystery. Exploring it carefully and sensitively is generally good for both partners.
Lead writer: Louise Sloan
Last Updated: May 09, 2008

3 Steps to Take if Your Libido Is More Active Than Your Partner's

Low sex drive is only a problem if someone is unhappy about it, and that's usually the other partner in a relationship. "When you get two people with low libidos, they just go to sleep at night. That's not an issue," says Irwin Goldstein, MD, director of San Diego Sexual Medicine and the editor in chief of The Journal of Sexual Medicine. "Libido is really only associated with distress when there's a disparity with the partner."

If the unevenness of your desires has become a problem in your relationship, here are a few ways to approach it.

1. Talk to each other
Sometimes the problem is clear and just needs discussing, says Joy Davidson, PhD, a New York City–based psychologist who's on the board of directors of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists. An example of this, she says, would be "the woman gets off on oral sex and the man doesn't like to do it. Not being able to talk about sex is like not being able to discuss what you're having for dinner. And just like any other aspect of a relationship, that's a potential deal-breaker. If there's a sexual problem, you have to deal with it."

If you're the one who wants more sex, don't blame your partner or apply pressure tactics, advises Davidson: "That only pushes the other person away." If your partner is stressed about life outside your relationship, a first step might be to look for ways to lighten his or her load, so sex can become recreation, not another chore. (Check out our list of tips for more about what you can do on your own to address sex drive problems in your relationship.)


Next: 2. The partner with a low libido should get a medical checkup

2. The partner with a low libido should get a medical checkup
Low sex drive, especially in conjunction with erectile dysfunction (ED), could indicate a serious health problem such as heart disease or diabetes.

3. See a therapist
Even if there is a medical issue afoot, disparate sex drives can create an emotional problem in a relationship. That's why many sexual health doctors take a "bio-psycho-social" approach, says Michael Krychman, MD, executive director of the Southern California Center for Sexual Health and Survivorship Medicine in Newport Beach, Calif. They either make some psychological assessments themselves or work hand-in-hand with certified sex therapists.

If you're the partner who wants more sex and you choose couples therapy or sex therapy, don't make it about your partner, says Davidson—make it about the relationship: "[As in] 'we seem to have different needs sexually, and we'd both like to find ways to bridge the gap.'"

Lead writer: Louise Sloan
Last Updated: April 20, 2008